Decision-making, part II

I'm picking up on my previous promise to talk a little bit about making decisions.  I am going to refer heavily to a previous post on the triangle of change.

First, I want to address a comment about the causality of decision making.  I oversimplified things in alluding that perception leads to action leads to structural modification.  Certainly, the flow can go the other way around.

In fact, as far as I am personally concerned, I have to force things to flow "backwards" in order to get things moving, at all. 

My chiropractor asked me an interesting question at this session.  She asked, "where, in this process, do you feel most stuck?"  The answer seemed so obvious to me at the time - I was never able to act on the change which I perceived that I needed.  It is so frustrating to go to bed every night knowing that all I need to do is work harder, trust myself more, open my eyes to the beauty around me, set better boundaries, take more risks, yet come morning, I am unable to do anything but the same-old-same-old.

We explored this.  She asked, "WHY can't you do these things that you feel so SURE of knowing that you NEED to do?"  I realized, then, that, despite my frustration at the present state of things,  I was hung up on the worst-case scenario coming to light if I prompted change.  Or, often, I didn't believe in myself enough to make that leap of faith.  My intellect and rational / analytical mind were very good at diagnosing problems and proposing solutions, but my emotional self was still deeply skeptical.  It really wants assurance that change will be for the better before it allows me to try any new behavior.  It still needs to hold on tightly to the old story.

The bottleneck is not with action, but still with perception.

So, why not force flow in the other direction.  Can I (can you) start acting differently, just for fun, just as an experiment, taking a little risk, and see if that shifts your perspective?  (rather than rely entirely on perspective to guide your actions).

Is it possible to do this without flipping the whole world the bird, or without getting totally wasted?  I am sure that it is.  Can one start with baby-steps - small, fun experiments with behavior-modification? 

Can you start changing things that seem unrelated to those issues which are most problematic (like, get a haircut, or show up to work 15 minutes earlier than usual) and have that shake things up?

Do you have any interesting experiences with this kind of conundrum?  Share!
I'll share a little story in a future post.

From whence does self-love come?

I've been the queen of navel-gazing these days.  I swear, I am going to throw out all of my UCSF business cards and am going make new ones with this title.  I am really really really really good at thinking about myself, all the time.  I say that with a little laugh.

Here's a big question; why is it that we often chose to remain in unhappy or unsatisfying situations?  Why do we stick it out in an unsatisfying profession, or try to make things work with a fickle friend?

Fear of change, fear of failure... these are all reasonable explanations.

I think, though, that we can get extremely comfortable with dissatisfaction.  It sucks, but it becomes a solid reference point.  We wake up every morning, and we know exactly what to expect from the universe.  We know what is right, and we know what is wrong.  The story becomes deeply familiar.

How can this even be comforting at all?

I think that self-love comes into play.

Some of us, for whatever reason, had a hard time cultivating a deep, intrinsic belief in ourselves.  We are so uncomfortable with our flaws.  Yeah, maybe our Mommies told us we were fat or our Daddys yelled at us for getting bad grades or we were simply deemed totally uncool at school at an early age.  Childhood can be harsh.  But, here we are, full-blown adults, and somehow, the self-love that comes from self-admiration, self-respect... or maybe from just being happy to be alive, is not really well-wired within us.

Where do we find that self-love?

I know, that for myself, when self-confidence and self-belief are low, self-love can come from self-pity.  Once I have the compassion to tell myself, "poor, poor Celeste", or "ahi me!", then the door to self-love opens.  Somehow, this channel is really well-wired.

As a consequence, it can be all the harder to move out of unsatisfying situations, especially if the frustration and hurt that you feel in that context fuel self-pity.  If you can't feel sorry for yourself, how else are you going to love yourself?

I can catch myself killing hours at a time indulging in this apparent difficulty of my life.  I can even catch myself exacerbating unhappy situations... almost fantasizing that I am going to disappoint or anger someone, lose their respect, or that I will fail, or that I will take myself out of the running for something that I truly desire.  Yes, it sounds kind of messed up. I dont know how much this mindset actually affect my behavior.  I know that I come off as a succesful high-achiever, but I don't always feel this way on the inside.

I have no answers.  Only these observations.  

Maybe Pema has the answer (read below).  Just open your mind to joy.

Pema is so rad

Words to live by

Joy has to do with seeing how big, how completely unobstructed, and how precious things are.  Resenting what happens to you and complaining about your life are like refusing to smell the wild roses when you go for a morning walk, or like being so blind that you don't see a huge black raven when it lands in the tree that you are sitting under.  We can get so caught up in our own personal pain or worries that we don't notice that the wind has come up or that somebody has put flowers on the dining room table or that when we walked out in the morning, the flags weren't up, and that when we came back, they were flying.  Resentment, bitterness, and holding a grudge prevent us from seeing and hearing and tasting and delighting.

Pema Chodron, The Wisdom of No Escape, Chapter 6: Joy

Vox Populi lives on!

A couple of days ago, I was contacted by the general manager of one of this country's most famous dance companies.

I am writing to inquire about the rights to a piece of music
published by Vox Populi for use with live performances of the ballet
entitled -------, choreography by --------.

Below please find the specifics of the piece of music we are
inquiring about.  Could you help direct me to the correct person to
secure the rights to use this music?

Mille Regretz
Josquin Desprez

Songs of Love, Lament and Praise

Thank you for your assistance.
------

Wow!  I am not sure if I did the right thing, but I responded with a resounding "YES", as long as proper credit was given to Vox Populi in all performances.

Here is a link to the score of this magnificent piece.

Our little group existed from 1996-2006.  We were an all-volunteer ensemble, and never made it "bigger" that the Berkeley Early Music Festival Fringe Series.  We never wanted to make it much bigger.  We made one professional-quality recording, Songs of Love, Lament and Praise, over two recording sessions (in 1998 and 1999, I believe).  The recording is really good.  Our engineer at the time said that it had so much more life and passion than anything put forth by the, er, Tallis Scholars. 

Oh, if you are at all tempted, you can buy the cd from cdbaby
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/voxpopuli

I'll update this post if anything comes out of this!

Triangle of Change: Perception, Behavior, Structure

I have been a recipient of network spinal analysis (NSA) chiropractic care for a few years.  I started chiropractic care in 2006 when chronic hip and upper neck pain kept me from going through my daily routine in one piece.  I don't have major problems - just the usual discomfort that most computer jocks inherit. 

NSA is different from "normal" chiropractic care.  My chiropractor touches me lightly, all up my legs, spine, neck and arms, often in places removed from the pain.  I won't go into the whole philosophy here, but it has been working well for me.  I wasn't sure at first, because my old approach to pain was intense stretching, the occasional deep tissue full-body massage... but those remedies never lasted nor taught me how to better work with my body.  I digress.

My chiropractor has a great "whole"istic approach to this work, and factors in my mental and emotional well-being with my physical.

I started seeing her at a time when I felt really stuck in my career.  I saw myself repeating the same patterns and mistakes with my job that I had in grad school.  I really wanted to bust out of my MO, but I could not.  This problem affects everything in my life.  I am deeply afraid of change - mostly afraid that I am not strong enough to make positive change in my life. Deep down, I probably feel as if I do not deserve change.   I resign myself to whatever it is that I am doing, and beat myself up when it doesn't work.   Sometimes, the frustration builds up too high.  Often, rather than directly confronting the problem, I'll do self-destructive things to release the pressure, namely. I'll "let things happen".  With my love life, its sometimes involved alcohol (fortunately, I can use one hand to count the number of times that this has happened).  "Letting things happen" certainly causes circumstances to change, but often with destructive or painful consequences.   When can change happen on my terms, with purpose?

When I talk to my chiropractor about life, she turns into an amazing life coach.  At our last discussion, we talked about the process of change.  She shared with me the following diagram, which should be attributed to Dr. Donald Epstein, the creator of NSA.  I may not accurately represent his system in the following discussion, so please refer to official NSA literature for the real account.

Change has to happen on three fronts; perception, behavior and structure, which is represented by the following diagram (which I have recreated from memory)

My interpretation of the diagram is as follows.  Structure represents the world outside of ourselves (and in my opinion, includes our body if that is the thing that we are trying to change - say, lose weight or stop an addiction).  Structure is the state of being - the town that we live in, the job that we have, the person whom we are romantically involved with.  Structure is related to outcome.  When it comes to change, we often focus our attention on the outcome.  Hence, it serves as the base of the pyramid.

Behavior - the things that we do.  Using the example above - the overeating, the drug use, or conversely, dieting, exercising, going to rehab.  As far as the other examples, behavior includes calling a rental agency to help move to a new town, giving notice at the job, pursuing interviews, asking your loved one to marry you... or that you need to break up, or less dramatically, opening up conversation with him or her if that has felt hard.  There are the behaviors that keep us where we are at (no judgment here), and those that either prompt change, or are a function of internal change.

Perception - how we experience the situation.  What do we experience?  How does it affect us?  Do we want change?  Do we need it?  Do we feel like we deserve it?  Do we feel capable of pursuing it?  How big of a change to we need?  Perception occurs on many levels - mental, emotional, spiritual- ego and id, all of the above.

I can't remember this for sure, but these three components feed on each other with a fixed causality; structure influences perception (how do we see the situation?).  Behavior changes once perceptions (and judgments) are made.  Structure changes as a result of behavior.  Everything flows clockwise.

Decisions are made at the nexus between perception and behavior. 

I'll stop this post here, and continue on with my story in the next.  The question - where do you get stuck in the whole change process? 

Returning

I haven't blogged since February. I stopped wanting to put it all out there. I started spending more of my on-line energy on facebook. It took less thought and effort. I wont disparage facebook, even though, in the end of the day, its a huge time-suck.

I'm toying with starting this blog back up. I've had a tough year - in some ways, it has felt incredibly self-centered. I've felt really stuck. I've tried to break out of my old patterns with new friends and activities, but not always successfully. In fact, some of these new connections have only gotten me in more trouble, which is a damned, tragic shame. I don't blame the connection - the problems started with my agenda and my motivations. In many ways, I feel more stuck than ever.

I'm 36, which I know is not OLD, but still, I've been out of college for 15 years and see that I still let fear rule my actions. I am afraid to hear my own voice and follow its lead. It doesn't help that I am naturally skeptical. Yet, I am also an optimist.

I've spent most of my working hours staring at a computer, feeling really disconnected from the world around me. I know that I am working on "important stuff" (advancing the clinical impact of nuclear medicine), but I so rarely interact with the people. It's easy to spend the entire day staring at my belly-button, indulging these feelings of chronic dissatisfaction.

I've been re-reading the writings of Pema Chodron (in her books "When Things Fall Apart" and "The Places that Scare You"). I think that I finally understand the power of being in a place of uncertainty. I can't say that I embrace it, but I have this opportunity to see that uncertainty gives you clarity and gives you the opportunity to move and act, freed from convention, expectation and most importantly, repercussion. When you have nothing to lose, you can do anything. I haven't fully embraced uncertainty in my life- I still cling to so much, but what I have been able to let go of has already been incredibly liberating, once I cope with the pain.

I know that I am being cryptic. So, why am I writing?

In the last few weeks, I've started to see the world in a different light. The change is subtle - I still am doing what I always have been doing, running into the same traps. But, I want to share these experiences and observations. Maybe they resonate with you?

Here is a question to you all. Can blogging be something other than navel-gazing? I want there to be purpose in what I write. It doesn't have to be earth-shattering or transformational or potent. I don't want to change lives. I just want to really invite people in, without there being any other agenda.

Can I minimize the confining hand of ego in what I write? Can I say something and have it be divorced from my ego? Can I write something freed from the expectation of affirmation, agreement, adoration, conversion, in return? Can I just put it out there and expect nothing, and still feel satisfied? This is hard for me.

This is one reason for writing to a blog versus sharing these thoughts with someone on a personal level. In the latter, its easy to fall to temptation of manipulating what you say so that the recipient responds in the way that you want. Here, I have no target audience - in fact, its likely that no one I know will pick up this thread unless I lead them to it.

I'm also hoping that a return to blogging will re-ignite my interest in the world around me. I've really only been interested in myself all this year - not a bad thing, of course. Its good to go deep. But, I now find it limiting. I think that you have to go back and forth between fully engaging in the world and between taking time out for yourself in order to "grow" (whatever the f--- that means - I'm a little skeptical about this turbocharged quest we individuals embark on for growth and transformation). Its time for me to get back into the world.

Last, I see that facebook has become a lame substitute for blogging. There is an exhibitionist quality to it. I have 450 "friends" - do they really need to know what I had for lunch or whether I've just experienced true enlightenment? I would rather go into this kind of "personal" mode through a blog, where the readership is more limited to friends who consciously chose to visit. I'll save facebook for humorous, lighthearted expression, or for professional networking, or for spamming everyone with my favorite youtube. Might as well treat it like time sink that it is. I dont want to use it as a confessional anymore.

If I stick to my resolve, expect many posts like those from the past - random observations and re-tellings of experiences. I don't want to go too deep here, either. I don't want to be pedantic.

Concert Announcement: AVE The Song of Songs, Feb 13-15

First off, yes! I have lately been negligent about blogging. Can't make any promises about when I'll be back on line, but if you keep reading this entry, you will get some of my personal insights on this upcoming event...

Artists’ Vocal Ensemble, Jonathan Dimmock – Artistic Director
The Song of Songs: Music as the Food of Love
With guest artists
-Congregation Sherith Israel Cantor Rita Glassman (Sat. only)
-Acalanes High School Choir, Bruce Lengacher, Director (Sun. only)
-Stephen Myers, Reader


Three performances
Friday February 13, 2009, 8:00 P.M.
St. Mark’s Episcopal Church, 2300 Bancroft Way , Berkeley CA 94704
Saturday February 14, 2009, 8:00 P.M.
Congregation Sherith Israel , 2266 California St. , San Francisco , CA 94115 (
Sunday February 15, 2009, 4:00 P.M.
Lafayette Orinda Presbyterian Church, 49 Knox Drive Lafayette , CA 94549

Admission: $20 general admission, $10 for seniors and students. Tickets are available online, or can be purchased at the door 30 minutes in advance of each concert.

San Francisco ’s highly acclaimed professional choral ensemble, AVE (Artists’ Vocal Ensemble), directed by Jonathan Dimmock, announces its third concert series of the 2008-2009 season: “The Song of Songs: Music as the Food of Love”. AVE will look at how music and love have interwoven throughout Western history. This program features works from the Renaissance to today, featuring Giovanni Pierluigi da Palestrina’s delightful and elegant settings of the Song of Songs (Canticum Canticorum), as well as additional works by Sebastian de Vivanco, Francisco Guerrero, and contemporary composers Bob Chilcott, Stephen Paulus and Heinryk Gorecki. These concerts will feature as guest artists the Acalanes High School Choir (Bruce Lengacher, Director), Congregation Sherith Israel Cantor Rita Glassman, as well as readings of Shakespeare sonnets by actor Stephen Myers.

These concerts will be co-presented by the Breast Cancer Emergency Fund - a San Francisco-based organization- which provides local assistance to victims of breast cancer. http://www.BreastCancerEmergencyFund.org

Celeste's thoughts...
These concerts are a real treat for me, as well as a Renaissance polyphony homecoming, of sorts. I first encountered many of these beautiful works with my group, Vox Populi, which was active between 1998-2006. We dedicated most of one concert set to selections from Palestrina's Canticum Canticorum, and in fact, declared his setting of "Vox dilecti mei" the group's theme song. ("voooox.. VOX!" can you hear it?) as our theme song. I hold Palestrina personally responsible for nurturing my love of small-ensemble singing.

Repeated personal favorites include, as well as "Vox dilecti", "Surge amica mea","Pulchra es amica mea", "Veni dilecti mei"... and Clemens non Papa's glorious, embracing 7-voice setting of "Ego flos campi". I am quite fond of the latter. F-major is the home key, and when the basses first come in hitting those low-F's, the sensation is akin to diving into a big, warm bath. (Might I mention that AVE has THE BEST BASS SECTION IN TOWN this time around?)

For the Palestrina, our director has assigned most of the pieces to reduced groups (10 singers instead of 16), which, in his words, creates a more intimate, inviting experience for the audience. I am fond of this choice because it allows me to better revisit the playfulness of ensemble first experienced with these pieces in Vox Populi- much harder to do with 16 voices. I also like getting a vocal break here and there in the program!

We are also performing three modern pieces; Bob Chilcott's 'Arise my love' and Stephen Paulus's "Love" (maybe I've transposed the titles)... two beautiful 20th c. Anglican pieces. We close the program with Heinryk Gorecki's "Amen" - a massive symphonic piece hearkening the Slavonic Church choral tradition. I am a little afraid that our 16 voices will not do it justice, but on Sunday, we will be joined by the award-winning Acalanes High School Chamber Choir (another 25 voices), which should beef things up nicely.

I am excited about performing at Congregation Sherith Israel. This will be my first concert in a synagogue. We will be collaborating with Cantor Rita Glassman on one piece at this venue, in part, to help bridge the program. While most of our program was composed for Christian liturgies, the texts are all from the Old Testament, and are as important and cherished to those of the Jewish faith as they are to those of the Christian faith. In fact, judaism celebrates a more direct interpretation of these highly sensual texts, and does not have to apologetically "re-cast" this hot'n'heavy poetry as the metaphor for the marriage between Church and Christ. (I mean, come on... "your two breasts are like fawns" (SoS 4:5) "Come into my garden" (SoS 5:1))

I hope that you can make it to these (sexy, underneath the upright verneer of sacred choral music) concerts... let me know if you would like a discounted ticket.

Concert Announcement: AVE Twelfth Night, Dec 12-14

The San Francisco Early Music Society presents

ARTISTS' VOCAL ENSEMBLE

Directed by Jonathan Dimmock
Twelfth Night
Choral Music from Christmas to Epiphany

The Saints' Days that lie between Christmas and Epiphany are at the heart of the religious calendar of Europe. In this program of both sacred and secular music, the relationship will be explored between the religious holidays and the winter solstice/New Year, as found in the great tradition of Renaissance choral music.

Friday, December 12, First Lutheran Church, Palo Alto, 8:00
Saturday, December 13, First Congregational Church, Berkeley, 7:30
Sunday, December 14, St. Mark's Lutheran Church, 1111 O'Farrell Street, San Francisco, 4:00

Single tickets are $25 each, or $22 for SFEMS members and seniors, and $10 for students.
They can be ordered in advance through SFEMS by calling 510-528-1725 or submitting the following webform on the SFEMS website.

Now, for my own words...

Once again, AVE toys with numerology. We presented "666" on June 6, 2006 - a concert of apocryphal settings of texts from Revelations. Since then, we did an all-Isaac and Josquin concert titled "1508" celebrating the 500th anniversary of the reign of Maximillian I of the Holy Roman Empire (which covered modern Austria and Germany), and last June, performed Monteverdi's 1610 Vespers.

The program description sounds pretty academic. Indeed, we are offering exactly one Gregorian chant, motet, and English medieval carol for most of the feast days that fall between Christmas Eve and Epiphany. But, we have been working hard to present something more seamless. There will be lots of solos and sub-groupings of the voices, and hopefully, spirited renditions of everything! Plus, finger cymbals and AVE's trademark use of the Shruti box for chant drones!

Our motets span the gamut of late-medieval (a reprise of Perotin's "Sederunt", this time with solo male voices) to the freshly composed (Fredrik Sixten's setting of O magnum mysterium). We performed Sixten last concert, and I wasn't the biggest fan of his "neoRomantic" style at the time. It evoked for me too much of a lush overly Technicolored pastiche - the Hollywood-stylized AVE MARIA at the end of Fantasia. While "O magnum" is even more over the top than the "Ave Verum" we sang in October, I can really get into it. It's more neo-Expressionist than neo-Romantic, and makes me feel like I am in the middle of a dramatic dance number in a late 50's MGM Grand musical. Maybe I am better loving my inner Syd Charise / cabaret singer this time around. The piece that we are performing was dedicated to Swedish choral conductor Ragnar Bohlin, who recently began his tenure as Choir Director of the SF Symphony.

I also like the daring of programming something so lush and melodramatic at an early music gathering. It will shake the cobwebs out of the carpet, for sure!

But, despair not - we are singing some great "oldies", and nary a chestnut (save the "authentic" medieval setting of the Coventry Carol, and the plainchant setting of "Hodie Christus natus est" "Puer natus est nobis"). Look forward to Perotin, Sheppard, Sweelinck, Ockeghem, Porta, and others.

Not so happy day

Revered oceanographer, excellent wine-maker, proprietor of Rancho El Mogor, artist and family friend, Dr. Antoine Badan, passed away last night. He taught me calligraphy, and could oversee the making of a mean paella.

His passing urges me to spread the word about the fantastic wine country in the Guadelupe Valley east of Ensenada, Baja California, Mexico. This New York Times article features Antoine and his fellow vintners. His Cabernet-Merlot blend, Mogor Badan, was considered the most elegant wine tasted by the article's author during his journey to the region.

Oh, happy day!

San Francisco Classical Voice has just published a review of our French Baroque concert. Our supportive reviewer was incredibly positive. Her enthusiasm is deeply appreciated. We had a small crowd on both nights, but we still seemed to get good smiles and reaction from the audience.

Here is a link to the review, Divine Delights (link fixed), by Anna Carol Dudley. This is the third time that I have been mentioned by name in a review, the second time that the mentions have been thoroughly positive, and the first time that multiple things were said. Also, the first time that my head-shot was featured. This reminds me, its time to get a real head-shot. That photo was impromptu, taken in the garden at the Musée Rodin in Paris two summers ago. No make-up or styling. I was sick, and my left lower eyelid was swollen. Regardless, the genius photographer made lemonade from those lemons.

I'll comment more on my experience with the performance in a future post...

belt-challenged

I'm wiped out these days. I'm a total space cadet. This morning, I drove to work because I could not handle the crazy bike-bus-bike alternate. While sitting in my [parked] car, I noticed that my belt was twisted. I unbuckled, untwisted, and rebuckled. When I arrived at my destination, while getting out of the car, I was tethered... by the seat belt. Somehow, I had managed to loop my pants-belt through the seat-belt.

ohlordjesus the day better get hella more productive from here on out... (yes, blogging isn't helping)

You know that you have been singing way too much French Baroque music when...

You know that you have been singing way too much French Baroque Sacred music when you reach into your bag, pull out your box of mints, and mentally say to youself, "MAHNtos."